Dan and I made our very first trip to the monolith of Swedish consumerism called IKEA.  We were both looking for new beds.  Dan was recently in the market for a bed because you can’t really fit a queen sized bed into a Suzuki Esteem; especially when the car is already laden with instruments and clothing.  I was looking for a bed that would keep me from waking up with a sore back every morning.  We had both looked around in traditional furniture stores and found a lot of mediocre crap for exorbitant prices.

Yeah, you’re not getting a queen sized bed into that bad boy.

As part of our virginal IKEA experience, we decided that we should go all out and eat whatever ‘Swedish’ food they were serving there.  A former coworker used to wax poetic on the quality of IKEA’s Swedish meatballs. I was a bit reluctant to believe this line of thought as said coworker’s tastes were heavily in question.  Either way, we were ravenous from wandering around a warehouse filled with boyfriends/husbands being led in tow by their signifigant others searching for things that would soon need to be assembled with Pictionary-esque instructions.

Yes, we sat down to eat mediocre food in Logan’s Run.  I don’t know that these chairs are particularly flattering for that Lady’s ass.

This blood-orange, plastic chair just cries Preschool aesthetics for adults. Clearly, I chose to sit at this table.

Unfortunately, I didn’t take a picture of the cafeteria line where you pick up the IKEA mass-produced food.  There were some fairly ambitious fish dishes on the menu, but I decided to go for something I thought would be fairly difficult to screw the pooch on.  Dan and I both ordered a Buffalo Chicken Wrap. We also ordered the Meatballs to get the full IKEA effect.  The wrap was inundated with cheddar cheese, and the ‘Buffalo’ sauce was mainly just orange food coloring without any kick. Either way, for around $3 it wasn’t too bad.  We also hedged our beverage bets by getting a water and a Pear drink. The water tasted like water, amazing right?  The Pear drink tasted like it was slightly fermented.  It had an odd edge to it that left me unsure of whether I liked the drink or hated it.  IKEA Pear-drink was interesting either way.

Lingonberries? More like Dingleberries. ZING!

Ahh, and now onto the IKEA meatball goop.  The meatballs were passable Swedish-style meatballs; nothing to phone home about. As you can see, they weren’t exactly the most impressive looking meatball specimens. The potatoes were a bit of a let down as they tasted like out of the box Potato-Buds.  Despite the stellar performance of the meatballs and the potatoes, the real standout of the dish were the overly sweet, jelly-like Lingonberries.  Really, the Lingonberries are like some kind of awful tie-in to a desert. They reminded me of those pathetic attempts at desert that you find in Microwaveable meals (oh yeah, give me some of that ‘peach cobbler’… who doesn’t want a desert that tastes like rotten bananas?).  Why include it?  Is there some unspoken rule that desert needs to be represented, however poorly, in a meal? Is IKEA like a public school, where they’ll lose Federal funding if all food groups aren’t properly represnted? In all cases, I would rather have another piece of meat or some more potatoes.

Either way, IKEA’s food gets a rating of Rating: 2 out of 5 stars for their passable Buffalo Chicken Wrap and their low prices.

On the plus side, Dan and I both found beds which didn’t break the bank.

Cheers,

-Matt

I’ll leave you with this confused shot of an IKEA light:

In these ‘Economic Times’ I feel it’s an obligation to push out a couple of pauper-esque reviews.  We have daily reminders of our recessed economy in the news, our television programs (What’s that? Dunder Mifflin is declaring bankruptcy?! Oh you sneaky writers for ‘The Office’, making your show so topical), and our daily life.  I am thankful that I do have a job and I can afford to run a semi-comical website that bitches about and praises food.  So, in that vein, a review about a meal had at home!

On a juicy Thursday in September  (it just doesn’t seem to cool down in Tampa until December), my old lady and I decided to cook a hearty homecooked meal.  We chose to create a veritable ‘smörgåsbord’ of Mexican food.  I made ‘Mexican Rice’ on the suggestion from my brother.  Sia made Carne Asada with a side of fresh lettuce, sliced avacados, tomatos, and sauteed onions/garlic/mushrooms.  We also prepared some Pinto beans dressed with finely chopped and sauteed Galric and Onions.

Here you can see a video of my idiotic-ass attempting to take a picture of the ‘Mexican Rice’, I managed to engage the video instead.

List of ingredients in the Rice:
2 cloves of Garlic (finely chopped)
1 white Onion
½ Jalapeno (I kept the seeds in)
2 cups Rice (browned in Oil prior to cooking with water)

Season to your likening with:
Ground Cumin
Salt
Fresh Tomatos
Bouillon

Preparation steps:
Sautee onions, garlic and jalapeno for 5 minutes.
Add 2 cups of rice to the mixture.
Brown the rice without burning it.
After the rice has browned, add 3 cups of water, bring to a boil, turn the heat to low and let sit for roughly 20 minutes.

I did find a recipe that follows the same guidelines and outlines exactly what to do fairly well; you can see that here.  A rule of thumb when cooking rice is typically 1:2, 1 part rice to 2 parts water.  You do need to modify this relationship as you increase the amount of rice you’re cooking.  So when I cook 2 cups of rice I use 3 cups of water.  If I’m cooking 3 cups of rice I’ll use 4 ½ cups of water.  The rice came out fairly well, but I felt it was a little too moist.  I likely needed to brown the rice more prior to introducing the water.

The Pinto beans with Onions and Garlic was fairly easy to prepare.  Sia heated up a sauce pan with a bit of Olive Oil and sauteed the Garlic and Onions.  Next, I turned the heat to low and poured a can of Pinto beans into the pan (I rinsed the beans first). You can focus on the other parts of the meal while this comes to heat.  Prior to serving, I topped the Pinto beans with a bit of Parsley and Cilantro.  The Pinto beans went very well with the Mexican Rice they had a considerable kick from the garlic.

At this point, you could stop and make this a vegetarian day.  The Pinto beans would give you enough protein (as well as flavor) and all I would introduce would be freshly cut veggies as a side.  If you are a ‘Meatatarian’ then you should gladly proceed with making the Carne Asada. I did find a much more complicated version of what Sia did here (the recipe in the link has you add Cilantro and Sugar). We only let the Flank Steak marinate for 45 minutes or so.

Ingredients:
1 or 2 packages of Flank Steak
Salt and freshly Ground Pepper
4 cloves of garlic (finely minced)
2 Jalapenos (kept the seeds in and minced)
1 tsp gound Cumin
3 Limes juiced
½ cup Olive Oil

Preperation:
Score the Steaks lightly with a fork and then put them in a ziplock bag.  Next, add the remainder of the ingredients and give it a couple of good shakes to get everything mixed together.  Make sure to try and remove any excess air in the bag before sealing.  Rest in the refridgerator for 1-2 hours if you have the time.

Cooking:
In a non-stick pan, with a splash of oil, bring the heat to medium-high and cook each side of the steak for a few minutes (until brown).  If you like your meat well down clearly let it cook a bit longer.  Cut and serve.

(you can see our terrible dog hoping for some scraps to fall through the glass to him)

As you can see, the result came out very well.  The marinade helped make the Flank Steak much tenderer as well as infused a whopping amount of flavor.  Each bite had a citrus punch that was refreshing.

Everything went very well together and I would suggest that anyone with some time and a taste for some spice try making this.  If I had a chance to do this meal over I would marinate the Flank Steak a bit longer and make the Pinto Bean dish from dried Pinto Beans.

The meal merited Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars.

-Matt in Tampa

I have been talking with my brother about reviewing food places, and reviewing food in general.  My vision for this site is to not just encompass Food/Restaurant Reviews, but to also incorporate reviews from our other aspects of life.  Things like Music, Art, Automobiles, Motorcycles, Electronics, Video Games, and whatever else piques our interest. While talking about this I brought up reviewing Restaurants that are common, places that are national chains.  When you talk about something like Subway you are presented with a challenge.  How can you make the review interesting?  For the most part, we’ve all had a grilled chicken breast before or sliced deli-meat.  There is nothing particularly exciting or interesting about these mundane components that we eat on a routine basis.  How does one spice these things up?  Well, my answer is to do something unique or interesting.  If I were to eat at an Appleby’s (this wouldn’t be by choice unless it were to do what I will propose shortly) I would make an appetizer challenge.  For instance, I would order every appetizer on the menu and then ask the wait-staff to bring it all on one plate.  The goal would be to see if you could even make it through a quarter of that abomination, although clearly the end-game is that you’re trying to finish it all.  So, how did I spice up Subway?  I spiced it up with an uncommon marriage.

To be frank, I really enjoy Subway.  You can find a fairly healthy sub at a reasonable price.  There are quite a few items on the menu to choose from, and there are a plethora of toppings to customize your meal with. I happen to like the Subway in question because it is within walking distance of my job.  The building it is located in leaves something to be desired though:

That’s right, occasionally my ‘Eat Fresh’ sub comes straight out of a gas station and I know what you’re thinking, “How did you find such a gem?!”  Magic, that’s how.  Okay well that’s patently false, really I just had to get gas once after leaving work.  After surveying the field I had decided on my meal for the afternoon.

Today, I would be having a footlong Tuna and Meatballs sub on Italian Herbs & Cheese bread.  After stepping to the plate and placing my order the Subway employee (from now on referred to as Sir Subway) gave me a quizzical look, as if saying, “Are you fucking retarded?”  Sir Subway humored my request with grace and appeared to take some care in crafting this monstrosity.   Placing the beast within the oven required the kind of kid gloves normally reserved for handling a newborn.

After Sir Subway lovingly cradled my abberant sub and placed it in the oven, I had a bit of time to look over the goods and decide what to put on today’s ‘Challenge.’  I went for Onions, Banana Peppers, Jalapenos, and Lettuce.  I thought it prudent to try and marry the meatballs and tuna with something spicy, anything to make this more palatable.  Prior to Sir Subway loading up the ‘Challenge’ with my toppings I got a chance to eyeball my meal.  The best way I can think to describe this sub is… Meat Slurry.  The only comparable ‘food item’ would be chum for sharks.  This appeared to be bad news, Shark Week had been over for months.

Above you can see Sir Subway halving this monster like King Soloman.  The total rang through with tax as $7.49.

Closed, the sub didn’t seem all that intimidating.

After opening my submarine sandwich like a blossoming flower, I was surprised that I wasn’t more taken aback.  The presence of jalapenos and banana peppers may have skewed my perspective but the sub almost looked like a Mexi-sub/Nacho-sub and I happen to love nachos.

After a few bites in, I was surprised.  The Odd Couple Sub is surprisingly edible.  If you like meatballs and you like tuna-salad this sub just might be for you.   As long as you can look past the somewhat abominable appearance this is a passable meal. The hot peppers provide a bit of an explosion to offset the milky blandness of the tuna-salad.

Spread them wings son!  Only a few bites left…

…and I’m all done.  The Odd Couple sub feels like a rock in the pit of my stomach so I waived eating the second half. This bad mother definitely requres a plate and utensils.   If you happen to accept this challenge of the “Odd Couple Sub” make sure to begin with an empty stomach and an open heart… and lots of napkins.

The food itself pulls Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars. I knew what I was getting into and it ended up being considerabley better than all expectations.

The environment yielded Rating: 2 out of 5 stars as I ate that beast in my cube.  The only positive is that I have a very comfortable chair.

-Matt in Tampa

I decided to review a meal I made at home.  Specifically a samich I made.  One thing to note, I love junk food.  I seriously love junk food. Pizza, burgers, tacos, wings, Thai, American influenced Chinese food… shit, you name it and chances are that I like it.  So, on a lazy Sunday I sometimes get lazy and order something or pick something greasy up from a drive through. Today, I was strong and picked up some fresh goods from the store, made a healthy meal, and arguably ended up having something tastier and likely ended up more satisfied/satiated.  The bonus of eating at home as I’m sure everyone knows, you generally get fresher products and you spend far less than you would going out.

I do most of my shopping at Publix.  Publix is a chain of grocery stores that started in Florida and is only available in the South.  According to Wikipedia, Publix can be found in Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, Tennessee, and Alabama. For those of you from the North, it’s similar to a classier Kroger.  You can see a Kroger akin to Publix located in the Detroit area (Coolidge north of 14 Mile).  The only other way I can relate Publix would be to call it a less-hip Wholefoods.  It’s also considerably less expensive.  Publix does carry a decent amount of organic foods, at a premium of course.  Why am I describing Publix?  The reason is that I believe to make a great samich, you need to have great resources or components to include.  If possible I like to hit up one of the fruit/veggie stands to get my greens (as well as fruits), but Publix is a good stand-in when you can’t make it there.  A bonus of making it to the fruit/veggie stand is that you generally spend less and you generally get a larger amount of fruit or vegetables to pick from.  Here is what I used to make my samich:

First, the bread.  I love a great Rye bread or a Pumpernickel/Rye swirl. Depending on what you’re having, sourdough can also be great.  Unfortunately Publix didn’t have a great selection of fresh baked bread so I opted for Pepperidge Farm’s seeded rye.  Apparently this bread is ‘Jewish Rye’, I’m guessing it was somehow Chosen? In a literal sense I did choose the bread, and placed it in my basket so maybe that’s their angle:

The kicker for me after the bread is the primary component of the samich.  What should you slap between those 2 slices of carbs?  Why not something you love?  I happen to love pepper, thus I love Pastrami.  There is nothing better than a meat that has been brined, smoked, and then encrusted with pepper, garlic, coriander, paprika, cloves, allspice and mustard.  It lends a bit of crunch as well as some kick.  Today, I decided to go low-cal and got the Turkey Pastrami.  Publix offers their brand of lunch meats that are mediocre yet passable, but they also offer Boar’s Head.  Boar’s Head isn’t cheap but it’s worth the price… it’s like the difference between a hotdog and a good bratwurst.  The first will do if you’re in a bind for cash or it’s all you have but unless you’re 5 years old, you’ll probably want the meat that isn’t composed of tails and assholes.

Now, to take a samich worthy of putting in your mouth you need to add toppings.  I happen to love anything green and I wanted some crunch today.  I went with Alfalfa Sprouts, Cucumber, Tomato, and Baby Spinach.  The other direction I sometimes take is to add Avocado (in which case I’d skip cheese) or include pickles.  You can substitute Baby Spinach with some other leafy green like Romaine Hearts or Iceburg Lettuce, but I like the substantive taste and texture of fresh leaf-Spinach.  To note, I also added Swiss to top off the mix.

I don’t think it’s necessary to include this, but perhaps some folks don’t know… with Pastrami you always go with Mustard.  In particular, you should be using a Brown Mustard, it has a kick that normal mustard won’t deliver and will round out your samich.

For sides to my samich I included some fresh carrots, cucumber slices and stuffed Green Olives.  The olives were stuffed with Blue Cheese and tossed in some olive oil.

Now that you’ve been introduced to the components of my samich here is the assembled beast:

I love this samich because it has a little bit of kick from the meat and the brown mustard, but it also carries a diverse range of textures.  The sprouts add a somewhat earthy flavor that gets balanced by the clean flavor of the cucumber and the juiciness of the tomato.  The baby spinach added a great degree of roughage as well as added it’s own great flavor.  The olives were salty and acidic but were balanced well by the strong blue cheese. This is a samich I would highly recommend to anyone that loves a little bit of kick and is open to anything that will please the taste buds.

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

-Matt in Tampa

Food Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars – It’s pasta bowl, man. It’s pretty tasty.
Service Rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars – Our server was not thrilled with us. Also, I wanted food, not a breakdown of the rate structuring of DirecTV
Atmosphere Rating: 3 out of 5 stars – It’s an Olive Garden. They are all seriously the same
Price Rating: 3 out of 5 stars – Dinner for two (all you can eat), salad, bread sticks, drinks. $30 after tax/tip
Overall Rating: 3 out of 5 stars – It’s pasta bowl, man

When and if I (n)ever adopt a child from some horrible place where they don’t have food, I will have to make sure I time it right so that one of the first things we can do is experience true American culture at an “Italian” restaurant.

That’s right kids, you heard right. Never-ending Pasta Bowl is back. And, according to our waitress, it doubles the number of guests they have.

For those not in the know, Pasta Bowl gets you free salad, breadsticks, and as many bowls of pasta as you can feed into your horrible mouth for about $14 after drink, tax, and tip. Not bad. The only real catch is that you have to pick from the pasta on the list. The list has your basic types of pasta, and a few types of sauce, and any combination your horrible mind deems fit for your horrible mouth can be yours just as soon as they can slop it into a feed bag and bring it to your horrible face.

I keep saying “horrible” because I usually eat so much that I feel like I’m going to die.

The restaurant itself isn’t bad either. Our server acted like she could totally be doing something better. Also, we were seated next to the server station, so I am now well aware that one of the employees is switching from DirecTV to Comcast and is so happy to be doing so. See, the rate structuring for DirecTV just doesn’t make any sense, and according to another employee, it is a huge scam and they basically commit fraud every time they bill you.

One quirky thing that happened during our visit was that I arrived with 2 members of my party about 20 minutes before the other two, so I had them take my name down so they could direct the latecomers to my table. Two hostesses and my waitress made sure I did this. I’ll be damned if when they got there the hostesses had no idea what was going on. Oh well, that is why Alexander Graham Bell invented cellular communications.

I generally stick to alfredo dishes, so that is pretty much all I had (but 3 bowls). I understand the mushroom sauce was undelicious, but I can’t say from experience.

Alfredo sauce with spinach.

Some kind of noodle with regular alfredo sauce. Not a winner

Alfredo with spinach, again

Other members of my party felt like spending some more money, and got an appetizer and a dessert. They looked and tasted pretty delicious. Sorry, these pictures are after the vultures picked at them for a minute.

Delicious fried thing.

Delicious sugar dough things and chocolate dipping sauce

Basically, if when you go to the never-ending glutton bowl, tell the server to shove off when she brings you salad, and if possible go without a drink. Fill your horrible stomach with 95% pasta to get maximum value for your dollar. Or don’t.